TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of spot. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have One more area wherever American Adult men can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: supply All people a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the task, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Room, a element currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following locating the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of Trump Tower Damascus this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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